The Best NHL Officiating Site You Aren't Reading

FLORIDA PANTHERS @ DETROIT RED WINGS

7:30 -- Joe Louis Arena

Panthers: 8-9-2 (18 pts), 13th in East | Wings: 10-6-3 (23 pts) 9th in West
________________________________________________________


Panthers blog of choice: Litter Box Cats

*****


OH SNAP Y'ALL--

That's right. You know what it's time for: NHL Officials Association... Dot. Fucking. Com.

Have you seen this? I pity the fool who hasn't, because you've been missing out on some of the dopest shit on the net.

You want graphics? Fuck me. You have come to the right place, sir. Here you get ice dimensions out the ass, plus a shot of Bill McCreary looking like warm pee is running down his leg.


*****

Do you wish you were one of these striped mother fuckers? It's as easy as pretending to blow a whistle. CTRL + V that shit:

"Remember, whether you are a first time official, have some experience, or are looking to officiate after or during a playing career ( at any level ). The key to your success is you. You need to get out there and 'just do it' " (No really, that's actually what it says. With the absence of a period at the end and everything.)

Nothing on this godforsaken planet is more motivating than that last paragraph. I now feel like I could bench press a pregnant horse.

*****

Becoming a referee wouldn't feel as rewarding if it weren't for a taste of tradition. What enhances tradition? Dead people.

Well, you've seen Mount Rushmore. It's Mount Queermore compared to this historic list of zebra legends:


Vern Buffey. George Hayes. John fucking McCauley. By Zeus' beard, I can't believe they aren't charging us by the second to read this shit. You think you're blowing a call with the ghost of Red Storey peering over your shoulder? Don't be an idiot. Of course not. And don't think for a fucking second that John D'Amico doesn't know where you sleep. Even in Heaven he wears an eye patch, but with the good eye even he can tell interference from a good clean puck battle. Hell, I can still hear that old bag of bones now .... "You lost sight of the puck? What are you, gay?"

*****

We've saved the Holy Grail for last. If your balls are constantly wet, all of your problems are now one click away. Your next BJ can be forwarded directly to the lap of a Reebok exec thanks to the "ultimate moisture management" of the Toasty Tight.


We're talking 76% micro-polyester here. We're talking the finest in spandex technology to keep your taint warm and your shame hidden under the tightest of coverage.

Oh tap dancing Christ. The things I would do to moose-knuckle my way into a pair of those things. Best part: sweet ass whistle logo, nestled right next to the goods. Intend to blow this, bitch.

*****


It goes without saying. I am now properly pumped to watch the Wings take on the Panthers.

If you are as excited as me to watch a game officiated by men of dry balls, don't just sit there. Tell them about it. And while you're there, tell them anything else that may be on your mind.

How to Explain the Inexplicable: You Can't. So Fix It.

NHL.com ...

"The way we've always handled it and the way we will continue to handle it until we have a procedure change is the referees call on the ice stands. He sees the shot and he sees the save and doesn't see the puck in the net and kills the play or blows the whistle," Murphy said. "It's not when you hear the whistle blow, it's when he intends to blow the whistle. There is a little bit of a gray area there between when he intends and when the whistle sounds.

"In this case Dennis LaRue was clear with what he saw and clear with what he interpreted and that was, 'I had killed the play before the puck entered the net.' When we scrutinize it and go through video review I think everybody would concede that the puck was in the net, and Dennis didn't see that unfortunately."


That's Senior VP of Hockey Operations Mike Murphy, sounding more like Larry Murphy trying to explain long division.

Last year, when many of us were introduced to "Intent to Blow" during the Anaheim series, I could at least process it, kind of. I could see that Brad Watson had already imagined the play to be dead, and because there hasn't been an invention yet that magically allows for a whistle to blow simultaneously as a referee thinks it, they want what's in the ref's brain to be the dictator of the action. I think that's fucking stupid, but I can at least understand what they're saying without agreeing with it.

In this case, Dennis LaRue unintentionally* makes up something in his head that didn't actually happen, which is apples-to-oranges in comparison to the Watson Saga: he concluded that Auld made a save with his left pad, the puck was under it, and the play was dead.

* (I don't own a tin foil hat)

Here's my favorite part: According to Murphy's explination of how these matters are handled, somebody in Toronto (probably this guy) saw what happened and said, "Whoooaa, fellas, looks like we had one slip by Dennis, let's give him a call"; then they tell him how the reality of things was actually the opposite of what LaRue interpreted; and then LaRue -- with an opportunity to see or be told that no save occured in the first place -- overrules everything by claiming that what he imagined to have happened initially holds greater power than what actually happened.


Incredible.

Game #19 -- Red Wings vs. Stars

DALLAS STARS 3 - 1 DETROIT RED WINGS


Important note before going on: In regards to this game, the Wings did not play well enough to win. The Stars played a good game and deserved the result they got. I mean it. That's not what this is about though.

The bigger picture reveals that you can legally shoot a puck with your stick, the puck can cross the goal line without any interference occurring in the crease, and there is still a possibility that you haven't scored a goal. That's what the NHL laid out for us tonight when somebody didn't have the sack to admit they messed up, and there was no plan in place to prevent this from happening in the first place.

It wasn't even that fairy tale gray area of "intent to blow", where the puck is momentarily out of view and therefore imagined to be dead by the official. It was a shot that crossed the goal line. The goal effectively blew the play dead, not the referee.




I can get over the loss. It's November 18th. Tonight, I'm not worried about giving up valuable points to the Dallas Stars. I'm worried about this repetitive cycle of not just bad calls, but a flawed structure that has been put in place that creates such calls, and does nothing to correct itself. If there isn't a contingency plan in place for when an obvious goal is scored, one that contradicts the call of the referee and overrules his authority because he's too dumb or arrogant to overrule his own mistake, then there is a fatal flaw. Something is fundamentally wrong at its core. And please, don't put us through the fucking charade of calling Toronto between whistles when it doesn't fix something as mesmerizingly incompetent as what went down tonight.

The most intelligent and correct statement about this from a fan's perspective was said by J.J. in Kansas in this thread. Everything about this is spot on:

"My worry, and a worry I’m sure is mirrored by a lot of hockey fans (not just Wings fans), is that the response from the league will get basically no coverage. The fans are the ones who deserve explanation, them being the reason the guys play the game. We’re so used to getting short answers from the league that translate to little more than “screw you”, that the frustration continues to boil over. I’m almost positive the only response that fans get will be something along the lines of “Referee Dennis LaRue intended to blow the play dead when he lost sight of the puck, which was before the goal was called”. The Wings organization might get a secret “sorry, we screwed up”, but that doesn’t help the fans who feel like the league is doing nothing to keep these things from happening in the future. If any member of the media were to come out with a report from Colin Campbell’s office that were to say something along the lines of “This will count against Dennis LaRue when it comes time to choose which refs are called upon for postseason duty”, then I would be exceedingly happy with that statement and might even be able to let something like this go. Unfortunately, all we will get is a vague statement that doesn’t even address the concept of a problem, let alone hint at anything resembling a solution."


I can't wait to hear what the league says tomorrow. It will either be nothing, which would be too embarrassing to comprehend; or it will be a defense of something that has absolutely zero defense to begin with.

Finally, Babs sums it up with his troubled thoughts:

“The guy never meant to blow the whistle. It was a shot, it was in on the shot,” Babcock said. “It’s as dumb as I’ve ever seen.”

Worst Goalie Ever Goes For 4th Straight Win

DALLAS STARS @ DETROIT RED WINGS

7:30 -- Joe Louis Arena

Stars: 8-5-6 (22 pts), 8th in West | Wings: 10-5-3 (23 pts), 7th in West
________________________________________________


Stars blog of choice: Patty at Penalty Killing


"They keep saying they’re looking for consistency, but as Ryan Lambert, the Puck Daddy What We Learned guy, points out, win lose win lose win lose win lose is consistent. They need to start winning games when it’s their turn to lose one.

I’m almost expecting them to win against Detroit on Wednesday night. I never assume that, but this win-lose-win-lose thing might be more powerful than the usual pattern against Detroit of lose-lose-lose."


Patty isn't kidding. The Stars have not gone two consecutive games yet without picking up at least one point. In case you missed it, Dallas lost 3-2 in regulation to the Coyotes. So, long layoff for the Wings + coming off big win + home game = "should win". But Dallas' win/lose universal karma = a Wings loss. So that flips it back to a win again based on my Reverse/Reverse jinx hypothesis thing. (I swear to god when I first started this blog I intended for it to sound more analysis-oriented. A year and a half into it and I sound like a fucking tarot card reader.) Patty also had this about Mike Ribiero:


"Ribeiro frustrates me no end. I actually really like Ribeiro. I love the crazy dipsy-doodling stuff and the highlight-reel goals and the unbelievable passes. But I do not like the poking along, the standing around, and the refusing to give up the puck to a teammate before he’s forced to give it to the opposition. I can take a little of that if I have more of the good stuff to cling to. But the percentages are way out of whack. Lately, I’m only seeing the stuff I don’t like."


*****


This video never gets old. If you've had the misfortune of not experiencing it, be sure you watch it all the way through.

Brendan Shanahan retires

Shanny is my second favorite Wing of all time. I think. I'm pretty sure. I don't know. I'll determine that on another day with complicated formulas and stuff.

I liked his style and personality. The same thing is probably being written on a trapper keeper about Zac Efron somewhere, but so be it. He was an interesting guy to have in Detroit for 10 years. He could score, hit, lead, fight, and score again if needed. And his playoff goatee was more influential in my life as a kid than either of my parents. It was pretty badass.

At the 2:38 mark is my favorite Shanny goal. You would've thought this moment would be a huge sigh of relief, but instead it wasn't. It was just joy, like they hadn't won two Cups before this one and were getting over the hump. This wasn't the Yankees winning the World Series and Jorge Posada letting out a little bit of pee as finally exhaled. This was pure bliss. Shanny scored, and then he and Stevie shared a moment on top of each other that was more intimate than anything I've ever experienced with a woman.

*****

Rather than fight, Adam Foote tries to make a tackle with his nose. So Shanny breaks it.

Another favorite:

So long, Shanny.

Top Five Underrated Red Wings Goals of the Decade

Igor Larionov and the Statue of Liberty can sit this one out. These are the most underrated Wings goals of the 2000s -- or in other words, five goals that I have somehow arrogantly determined you aren't remembering enough. That's what "most underrated" is, right? Whatever. It was a good excuse to dig through old hockey videos instead of going to sleep.



#5 ~ BRETT HULL'S 700th GOAL

I seem to have blocked out how the 2003 season ended, but something important occurred before all of that. Brett Hull scored a huge milestone goal, in a Wings uniform, at Joe Louis Arena. This happened. I swear it did. I'm telling myself this because I never talk about Brett Hull, a guy who I will always think of as a Blue despite winning a Cup in Detroit and having what was probably a pretty underrated Red Wings career: 92 goals in three seasons between the age of 37 to 39, including a team-leading 10 goals in the 2002 playoffs.

A small handful of players have scored 700. Think of that number. That is a stupid number of goals. And that was the last that you're are going to see 700 goals from an NHL player for a considerably long time.

When he was inducted into the Hall last week, did any of the 950 Red Wings bloggers (including myself here) say anything about Brett? I mean ANYTHING? Even a little side note sandwiched between all of the Stevie slobber? Probably not, but even a tiny bit of recognition would've been better than none. So here it is, a week late.




#4 ~ 2007 CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS, GAME 4: ROBERT LANG

The goal is automatically underrated because there isn't a single Wings fan who wants to remember anything about Robert Lang. Even the people who say they liked him have a little Lang voodoo doll in their closet that they pee on each morning.

Regardless, this was a huge moment. The Wings hadn't done anything in the playoffs since winning the Cup in '02 despite icing their usual loaded lineups. They escaped one potential disaster in the first round, but here they were less than a minute away from going down 3 games to 1 to the Sharks, which likely would've resulted in another earlier-than-expected playoff exit.

After watching the video I still can't believe they won this game. Down two goals and Homer scores with 4 seconds to go in the 2nd period; down one goal and Lang scores with 30 seconds left; and then they pull it off in OT. One of my favorite games of the decade.

(Lang scores at the 2:25 mark)





#3 ~ 2002 CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, GAME 4: STEVE YZERMAN

You remember the game before this one, in which Nick Lidstrom scored the Least Underrated Goal maybe ever -- the center ice bomb that people cannot speak of without mentioning the words "momentum", "Cloutier" and "adkf;adj;ksdadff".

The next game, however, the Canucks didn't just wilt up and die. From the USA Today's recap ....

"Mattias Ohlund and Matt Cooke each had a goal and an assist for the Canucks, who outshot the Wings 24-15 .... Unlike Game 3, it was the Canucks who came out flying, creating big hits and a handful of scoring chances off the forecheck during their first three shifts."

It wasn't easy by any stretch. When I think about watching those two games in Vancouver, I remember how legitimately scared I was, sitting in my room with the lights off and my 13" TV on, trying not to wake the entire neighborhood. The Wings had done half the job in Game 3, but losing Game 4 would've failed the entire mission. Enter Steve Yzerman in a 2-2 game in the 3rd period.

(Goal at 3:12 mark)




#2 ~ 2008 CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, GAME 5: JOHAN FRANZEN

Maybe this goal is properly rated, I can't really tell. I think that it was arguably the most important Red Wings goal of the playoffs.

Look back at that season. The Wings were dominant aside from a horrid February stretch ... and two bad games in Nashville in the first round. They had their slip up with the Stars later on, but this was the only series in which they didn't hold a lead throughout. I think we'll grow to appreciate this particular Wings team even more as the years pass, because while it didn't have that staple of being "the first one for our generation" or the "one for Vladdie" or the "one with the best team ever", it was such a solidly consistent performance.

And who do we have to thank for that? A lot of people, yes. But my God the Predators were potentially one shot away from taking a 3-2 series lead back to Nashville? Against this team? Honestly how shitty would that have been? Well, you don't have to to worry about it because of Johan Franzen.




#1 ~ 2002 STANLEY CUP FINALS, GAME 3: BRETT HULL

(Really trying to give him his due today, apparently.) Without Brett Hull, there is no "Igor Larionov in Triple Overtime" -- or as you might think of it: The biggest goal by a Red Wing of the last 10+ years. It's only natural that Hull's goal was going to be forgotten by the casual fan. Somebody sees a highlight of Igor's goal and maybe they remember the deflection that tied it, or maybe they don't. All they really know for sure is that it was an epic Finals game.

It was anything but a typical Hull goal. With just over a minute to go in the game, off a faceoff win by Yzerman (Great -- there goes the drama from a potential Top Five Offensive Zone Faceoff Wins) Brett bolts for the net instead of his usual island on the wing. The puck swings around the point before Lidstrom whips one toward goal. Brett puts his stick out, and scores as clutch a goal as one can score. In doing so it changed the feel of a series that the Wings couldn't seem to get on top of through three games, and Igor broke the Canes' hearts a few hours later.

(Goal at 5:25)

Game #18 -- Red Wings vs. Ducks

DETROIT RED WINGS 7 - 4 ANAHEIM DUCKS




You know what an odd fear of mine is? That I don't like Henrik Zetterberg enough. If that sounds ridiculous to read, it feels twice as ridiculous to type it. I just worry that I get so caught up in the wizardry of Pavel Datsyuk and the perfection of Nick Lidstrom that I don't talk about Hank quite as much as I should. Maybe I'm completely wrong about this. But I don't feel like I mention him as often as I do Pav or Homer or Helm, and for every time I do mention him I probably make five or six jokes about #44. Under no circumstances should #44 get more attention than Zetterberg (unless we're recommending people to be shot out of a canon into the sun).

I want to fully give him his due on this one. Z was phenomenal tonight. He was so good that I momentarily forgot that half the team is out with swine flu bone fracture tumors. He was so good that he scared Arby's into downgrading their Hat Trick prize to "free urinal cakes". He was so good, in fact, that Mitch Albom is going to lie about being at this game and write a column on it.

The guy works his beard off every night, on and off the ice. He is an absolute machine. Most players think that "double shifting" is playing on multiple lines; to Z it means dominating a hockey game and then going home to work over Emma.

• Hank's season line: 8-14-22 in 18 games. And this is with his shooting percentage (7.7) well below his career percentage (12.6). Hopefully he can get his act together.
  

• On the Wings fourth goal, Dan Cleary made a huge play at the blue line to corral the puck, shield it along the boards, and then passed the puck off before getting smoked to set up Z's 2nd of the game. I couldn't shake the word "invisible" from Cleary for the first few weeks, but he's been really effective since the Wings starting rolling and Babs is singing his praises.

• Solid effort out of Leino as well, who actually looked like he was worthy of being on Hank's wing.

• Ryan Getzlaf is beastly. Very much an unlikeable mook, but a scary good hockey player. This isn't the first time he's put up monster numbers against the Wings.
  

• 5-4 game. 3rd Period. About 2:30 left.

Oh shit.

• My friend told me via text that when Hank records a hat trick and two assists, it is called a "Zetterberg T-bag game". I have no idea what this means, but if I'm going to make dysentery salad tossing jokes then I've pretty much cut out any filter that I once had for this site.
  

• Jimmy Howard wasn't anything spectacular. But thankfully Jonas Hiller was worse.
  

• Spam sent to my email this morning. Click to enlarge (this is what we in the biz refer to as a "pun".)
  

• Top 3 Wings:

#3 ~ Justin Abdelkader/Drew Miller ... Because MSU swept Michigan this weekend and we're leading the CCHA. Suck it, start your own blog.

#2 ~ Dan Cleary ... 1 goal, 2 assists. Also a plus-3, and 5 out of 6 on faceoffs.

#1 ~ Henrik Zetterberg ... Curly fries.
__________________________________________________________


The Wings are now off until next Wednesday against Dallas. To appease my fondness for lists and "decade"-related cliches, I will kick off a series of Top 5's of the 2000's starting Monday. Don't get your hopes up too high -- I couldn't find enough video to do a "Top 5 Valtteri Filppula Hair Tosses".