Game #66 -- Red Wings vs. Blackhawks

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS 2 - 1 DETROIT RED WINGS

This was a hellacious afternoon to be both a Red Wings fan and a Michigan State hoops fan. I know what you're thinking -- who gives a shit about what affects nine random people you don't know.

Here's a few bullets mildly related to the hockey game.

• Regarding Brendan Smith: Has there ever been a hockey player named Smith that has ever not been saddled with the nickname "Smitty" dating back to the beginning of time? Hell we can even go Land Before Time if it helps us find one. (It's entirely possible that Little Foot's last name was Smith, it's common. Little Foot was a bitch by the way.) This really isn't anyone's problem but mine, but my disdain for the nickname is two fold: One, when I was a kid, my friend had a dog named Smitty and he humped my leg all the time. One time my knee was swollen from falling on it or whatever, but weeks after a severe humping attack the swelling had not gone away and I was convinced that puppies had been conceived in my knee. And secondly, that dog farted one time and it smelled so bad that I threw up. That's a true story. So whenever I read or hear someone calling Brendan Smith "Smitty", I throw up instantly and assume that I have morning sickness because my knee is pregnant with dog babies.

• During the 1st period I remembered that I have WGN Chicago. For no real reason at all, I flipped the game from FSD to WGN to see if they were also broadcasting the game. They were not. What I saw instead was Helen Hunt taking off her shirt. I'm telling you this because if you ever meet me in real life and I start stabbing you in the neck with a pen while blood shoots from my eyes, it's because I'm having a Helen Hunt flashback.

• Anyone else on board with me to pull a Bosom Buddies-like trick on the people trying to find the next Fox Sports Detroit Girl? I have a vision where I make the final round of girls; during the questionnaire segment -- which for the purposes of this dream I'm imagining to look exactly like the trivia scene from Billy Madison -- I will answer the first question by pulling my wig off and screaming at the other contestants, "NONE OF YOU KNOW WHO JAMIE BAKER IS OR WHAT HE DID TO MY CHILDHOOD! NONE OF YOU!" And then Steve Buscemi shoots Mickey York.

• But really, I think I just want to dress up like a woman.
  

• Jakub Kindl, Jimmy Howard, and probably another 3 or 4 guys who they're just not mentioning so that we don't go batshit fucking insane, were dinged up throughout the course of this game. Jimmy, of course, being the primary concern, I tried to read his lips on the bench to determine any details of his mysterious injury. I've re-watched it 16 times and I can safely say that he said, ".............. (.........) .............................. /chewing gum/......................... ......... fucking........... ......." It appears to be dick-related.

• Dana Wakiji tweeted, "Lidstrom on injuries: 'It's like a war hospital down there.' (in Wings dressing room)". War hospital. Encouraging! Nick could've said "It's like a circle of hot gay pig sex in that dressing room" and I would've felt better. Because I'm not a homophobe and if they're all healthy enough to play hockey, that's more important to me than them being honest with their families about their sexuality. Plus, if they win the Cup, the ensuing parade could celebrate two causes.

• The "aLOL Tweet Of The Night Presented By Amway", by @Flapjack_McZap: "Patrick Kane zee ockey playur? No assface, Patrick Kane the scientist."

Go what's left of the Wings.