January 18, 2013

Pointless Predictions for the 2012-2013 Season


While the infrequency of my hockey writing has approached latter day Albom levels, you always make time for the annual prediction post.  It's a rule, like icing and Tuesdays.  I don't even think I did one of these last year so you know what that makes me?  A rule-breaker.  Yeah, a real rebel.  Girl let's jump on my Harley and motor through some words.

Vroom vroom!  Aw Christ.  Here are some predictions on some arbitrarily selected people for the 2013 season:


PATRICK EAVES

Patrick Eaves, or "Hat Trick Eaves" as I like to call him because he is a hockey player and I'm one of those rhymin' rappers, will never play hockey again :(   Sorry that's just my prediction. 

/phone rings/ "Whaddup we're on phonez, this technology shit is crazy!" (That's how I answer the phone.)

"Hi Trevor it's Ans-"

"Tyler"

"Sorry hi Tyler it's your friend Ansar Khan, look at what I wrote this morning: 'The long wait is finally over for Detroit Red Wings forward Patrick Eaves, who has been cleared to play as the team gets set for the season opener Saturday in St. Louis.'"

"Wow, you just have all the Ansars, don't you, Khan."

"You mother fucker."


CARLO COLLYOCKAVO

Yep that's how I'm spelling it for however long he's here, so deal with it.  I might even change it up from time to time, I don't give a hell.  But I ain't looking it up I can tell you that.  You know what my last name is?  Some of you do but in case you don't it is Devereaux.  Do you know how many times I've had to strain myself spelling my own name over the phone all these years?  I bet it's like 350 at least.  So I know a thing or two about being an asshole for having a difficult last name.  Do I make a big deal if someone spells it Deveroh?  No, and in fact I respect some of those people the most because they're brazen and bold.  So yeah anyway I predict that last names are dumb.


IAN WHITE

After being a journeyman at the center of about 18 trades, he was rewarded with playing a full season as Nick Lidstrom's defense partner.  That was probably really cool for him because it made him look better than he actually is.  Carlo Cornfellow experienced the same type of deal in St. Louis playing alongside Alex Pietrangelo.  So I think the clear answer is to pair these two together.  Then they'll get so frustrated that they'll start trying to top one another with practical jokes that will escalate to the point where Babcock has to force Lidstrom out of retirement at gunpoint and we'll all rejoice in his return.  That is my prediction for Ian White's season.


VALTTERI FILPPULA

Fil is coming off of a monster year in which he blew away his previous career bests in all major offensive categories.  His 2013 season will play out in one of three ways:  He will regress back closer to his previous career averages; he will be so confident with his breakthrough that he continues at this new pace for a few more years; or he will break his leg in the 3rd game of the season.  Isn't that awful of me to say?  Did you cringe at all?  Man, what a terrible thought.  I mean what I write has literally no effect on Fil's upcoming season -- none at all.  My words are powerless.  So don't freak out but yeah he's going to break his leg.


JORDIN TOOTOO

I predict that he looks like the result of a failed Paul Kariya cloning experiment where they used too much 5 Hour Energy and bleach.


JIMMY HOWARD

James had a really good rookie season, followed by a meh sophomore season, followed by a really good 3rd season.  So given that this is obviously a pattern, and given that he will be playing behind a much ass-y-er group of defensemen this year, he is due for a very meh performance.  A Jimmeh performance, that is!  He'll be great!  Ha I tricked you.


JIRI HUDLER

Jiri plays in Calgary now and that is sad.  A lot of you hate him because he's not the greatest hockey player and you hate fun things but I am telling you, you are going to miss this guy.  He was always good for like 15 unexpected laughs throughout the season that just brightened your little heart and we just might need that this year.  Yeah his salary is ridiculous, but he's not the first guy to get paid a lot to not really do a whole bunch other than wobble around and shoot hockey pucks.  I predict that Hudler is such a failure in Calgary that they buy him out, he comes crawling on his hands and knees to Ken Holland, and we get what we all truly wanted whether you want to admit it or not:  a 3rd Jiri Hudler Era.  I'm completely naked right now by the way.


JOHAN FRANZEN

Dude will just be wandering around aimlessly for 5 months with a broom in his hand with that nagging feeling that he's forgetting something.


MIKE BABCOCK

With the Wings struggling to adjust to post-Lidstrom hockey, Babcock will remain as stubborn as ever and really make no tactical adjustments at all and continue to play the Wings in a faulty system that sees us just miss the playo-whoa holy shit wait this sounds all too possible forget everything and abort


DAMIEN BRUNNER

I tweeted that he looks like a grown-up Doug Funny.  I also once said that Kyle Quincey looks like a grown-up Chalky Studebaker.  I think this means that I am suffering from a type of condition where I want the Red Wings to do some Doug LARP-ing in my living room while I watch in the corner.  This would be a very specific and odd condition.  Also, Jordin Tootoo is Porkchop.


DREW MILLER

I was watching Drew Miller during the national anthem at the Red & White game and I thought his hair looked like way greyer than last year.  I think we're about 10 months away from Miller dying of old age and then it will be discovered that he had that Robin Williams from Jack thing.  Ryan Miller will then be quoted as saying, "This is a fucking waste of time, why are we talking about this?  I am edgy and swear in interviews."

(NOTE:  I was so certain that I had already made the Drew Miller/Jack joke that I did this. With the quotes and plus signs and everything.  In fact, I'm still pretty sure that I did.)


THE DETROIT RED WINGS

Our beloved Wings will make the playoffs as a bottom-4 seed and lose in the first round.  This is a strange thing for me to type because, in my 20 or so years of watching hockey, I have always thought my team was going to win the Stanley Cup.  You know what's cool though?  I am always wrong.  If you don't believe me, just ask my wife /GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAN/


FINALS PREDICTION

The weirdness of the half season's compressed action will remedy any Cup hangover for the really good L.A. Kings and they'll go back-to-back over the Pittsburgh Penguins in 7 games.  I feel very safe in knowing that even before I put the period at the end of this sentence, another hockey-watcher will have made this exact same prediction.  Everyone is picking some combination of Kings/Canucks/Hawks and Penguins/Bruins despite hockey being a very luck-driven sport that is impossible to predict and always produces off-the-wall results.  Such as:  the Red Wings winning the Cup this year!  Yeah!  Fuck it my new prediction is Detroit over the Islanders.


Go Wings

2 comments:

nesdude said...

"I mean what I write has literally no effect on Fil's upcoming season -- none at all. My words are powerless."

March 30, 2012 "Saves like that are the reason I won't even bat an eyelash when the Preds beat us in five games in the first round."

You're in the danger zone there, son.

Also, seeing Eaves play at the Red and White game gave me hope for the rest of the season. A sliver, anyway. Like a few microns of hope. Yeah.

Zachary MacRostie said...

My prediction for Todd Bertuzzi. Guess what? The Wings go to a shoot-out. It's a random game against the Blues. Todd will have a theme to all of his shoot-out attempts this year. This one will have you reach under your seat at the Joe to find a copy Moby Dick. He then proceeds up the ice at such an incredibly slow speed that the fabric of the universe starts to unravel. As the fans in attendance start the final chapter of the book, Todd unleashes the slowest shot ever recorded in the modern era. As the puck nears Jalak, Todd hurls his stick like a harpoon. The stick catches Jalak in the throat. As he flails about in his death throes, the puck just slides over the goal line. Every simultaneously closes their finished copy of Moby Dick as the goal light flashes and the goal horn sounds. From that point forward he is no longer Todd. We may call him Ahab.